Yell at ME

Punish me. I am the one at fault here.

I am the reason your trust is broken. I am the reason you’re not sure what to believe anymore. It’s me you should go after.

But please please please, leave everyone else out of it. I may not deserve your trust, but Thorny does. Matt and Brad deserve your trust. They are good people and my shit does not belong on their doorstep. They are not liars. I AM.

Yell at me. Punish me. *thumps chest* I am the one who deserves it.

Comments are open. My email is ajrosefiction@gmail.com. I’m on Facebook. Public, private, whatever. But leave good people out of this.

To those standing behind me: better move. I don’t want you splashed with my shit either.

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38 thoughts on “Yell at ME

  1. Toots you. Do.not.deserve. punishment…geeez
    Society is full of bigots but it is their lives that are based on falsehoods . Bet you loads of them are hiding things be it an affair, debt, sexuality…yeah bet some are still in the closet. You guys have an army of us behind you.. We will not let you fall, any of you.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Ya know, I don’t get it. Not that you felt the need to invent an online persona, that I do get. I don’t get where some folks think you owe them something here. Are your books any better or worse because the ‘author persona’ isn’t who everyone thought? No. Do you owe your readers all of you? No. The truth is, everyone has secrets. Everyone. I get that some folks might be a bit taken aback, but the vitriol, I don’t get at all.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I’m sorry if I hurt you, AJ. That was not my intention. I’m certainly not spewing hate or vitrol or whatever. As I said, if I truly didn’t care for you or Fen I would have remained silent.

    But I think you have to admit this casts doubt on bloggers who post their life stories. Especially when my hurt reaction was basically answered with “well, we are writers, we invent stuff” or “psh, it’s online, you can’t believe anything” as if it was foolish for me to take these interactions as truth in the first place.
    So which is it? Should I have never believed anything I read, in which case I shouldn’t trust that Thorny or Matt & Brad are real? Or should I be hurt that you were not who I thought you were? Because you can’t really have it both ways.

    No, you don’t owe anyone your life story. You don’t owe readers anything other than your books. But you offered the story. Don’t be angry when we took what you offered. I never asked for all that personal information. I never would have. You gave it, freely. I was naive for believing it. I understand that now.

    But I do not hate you or anyone else. I will simply be more careful from now on. And I don’t think that any of my comments could be interpreted as mean or hateful. I have tried to understand, to be respectful and to offer my honest feelings in the most straightforward way I know how.

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    • No, Amelia. It does NOT cast doubt on other bloggers. Keep the blame where it belongs. Hell, Matt and Brad don’t even KNOW me.

      I own this mess. I admitted to it. I apologized for it. You say you forgive me, and I appreciate that. But DO NOT paint other people with a brush I bought and paid for. I never said I wanted it both ways. I have fully shouldered responsibility for this, because it is mine to shoulder. NO ONE ELSE’S.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I am not painting anyone in any way! I am not “slinging shit” or saying anything negative or attacking anyone! jfc I only said I was hurt and felt deceived. Now Theo has a post up, and Thorny has a comment about how hurt he is…. all because I didn’t offer 100% backing? Should I just have stayed silent? Or is ass kissing the only appropriate response for you all?

        Fen said “I’m a writer, it’s what I do” and Kate said “it’s the internet, caveat emptor” – that is what I’m referring to when I say you can’t have it both ways. Those comments tell me I SHOULD doubt other bloggers.

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        • Theo said, Kate said… where’s the AJ said?

          I said if you’re hurt, I understand. I said if you’re angry, here’s my email. I do not expect anyone to suppress their upset over this and I have never said to do so.

          I thought Tuesday my career would be over. I was fully prepared to accept the entire consequences of my actions and I still am. But this is between me and my blog/facebook/twitter readers. Thorny has done absolutely nothing to deserve anyone’s doubt, nor has anyone else that is not me or Fen. You can say all you need to TO ME. Has Thorny done anything to deserve your doubt? No. I am not nor will I ever say anyone has to keep quiet if they’re upset.

          You said your piece. I have said mine. You’re hurt. I’ve apologized. If you want to discuss this further, take it to email or PMs.

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          • “Theo said, Kate said… where’s the AJ said?”

            That’s just the thing, A.J. You’ve been perfectly respectable throughout all this and I hold you in high regard for that. You have apologized for the lies (because no matter how people want to classify it, those “fabrications” were lies as unsuspecting people were lead to believe they were real) and you hold yourself accountable. Theo, on the other hand, never once apologized in his coming clean post. He denied having lied when he replied to Amelia, and yet in the comment above hers he said he’d lied about his mother and then later talked about other “fabrications” he’d made. Those fabrications were lies, no matter if he feels that they should have been real or they felt real to him or were real in some other form. Thorny is also guilty of lying. I was a lurker on his blog for a long time, but stopped when I started suspecting he wasn’t who he said he was.

            In case people are confused about the definition of a lie, here’s one from The Free Dictionary:

            “1. A false statement deliberately presented as being true; a falsehood.
            2. Something meant to deceive or give a wrong impression.”

            http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Lie

            It’s when people try to put blame on those who were lied to, make excuses, or justify their “fabrications” that I become annoyed (I’m not just talking about comments in this latest “coming out” but also old instances and instances from my own life). In fact, I’m so fed up with it that I’ve been working on a blog post about the practice of women taking up gay-male personas and how, in the grand scheme of things, it is not okay. Obviously, since Theo and Thorny are gender fluid, this post of mine won’t apply to them. It isn’t about you either, or even A.J. Llewellyn. It’s a post to help new authors make an informed decision in case they’re wondering if they should go down this path. I’m sure all three of you can verify that the emotional hassle of hide-and-seek, and the guilt, isn’t worth it, no matter the financial gain that could come out of it (because although you, Theo and Thorny may not have done this for financial gain and popularity, there are women out there who are using the status of suffering and struggling gay men as a marketing gimmick – and it’s NOT okay).

            I have high respect for you for how you’ve accepted responsibility for what you did, but don’t take blame for what others do or how they behave.

            What Amelia says, about people wondering if other bloggers and are being truthful as well, is true. Because I’m wondering if people are who they say they are. There are even many I suspect, but I’m not going to name them. I have been automatically on guard about this practice ever since I learned first hand that people sometimes pretend to be someone they’re not. It may be a harsh truth that people lose a little trust every time people come out like this, but it is truth, and there’s no way I’m going to put blame on you alone for that.

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            • Erica, I think a blog post for new authors would be a good idea, if people come into this thinking such decisions, especially for marketing purposes, are a good idea. Because no, it’s not worth it.

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  4. What is wrong with people? Do they realize you didn’t have to tell us anything about yourself? The ONLY thing you owe any of us is to write amazing books… which you already do, so they can STFU and go away.

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  5. Ok. I know that there are people in this world who think they are owed something and they got it. They bought the books and they received them. Debt paid in full. So that being said I’m behind you all the way let the shit slinging begin. To those who wish to do the throwing, a word of warning. When you throw shit in the wind it flies back in your face. Stand tall AJ!

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  6. I can understand that some maybe hurt by this. If you had a online friendship with someone and now they feel like the friendship was nothing but lies, BUT they need to listen to you and try to understand, that you had to do what you did to survive! You had children to care for! We all have secrets! We all tell lies! None of us are perfect! I don’t care if your a boy or girl, white black pink or purple! You are a author, I love your work! Your one of my favorite authors! That isn’t going to change! Live your life in the open, no hiding anymore! You may lose friends! You will gain friends! Life hurts, it also can be so beautiful. Enjoy it!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Who here has ever seen The Wizard of Oz? Remember when Toto pulled away the curtain and the real wizard was revealed? Did Dorothy & company march out of Emerald City declaring the wizard a fraud? No! They forgave him and accepted his help.

    Is AJ a wizard? Hell yes she is. She creates amazing characters and worlds and she lets us into them! Now that she has pulled back the curtain is she any different? Still approachable. Still really really human. Plumbing is a little different, but really, people surprise us with plumbing all the time.

    The wizard created a persona to protect himself and because, frankly, people liked being around a big, bad wizard. Some of them even bragged about it. I bet everyone in Emerald City claimed innocence about who the wizard really was. But let’s be real here. No matter how many times you say “you could have just written the books and left it at that” you aren’t being completely honest. Every time you sent her an email about her books or left a question in a review hoping for a response, when you clicked “add friend” on Facebook, you were asking for a peice of her. Whether you wanted to or not, your desire to be in the know made you complicit. AJ is only guilty of giving us exactly what we wanted.

    It’s ok to be shocked, I even kind of understand your feelings being hurt. But AJ’s alter ego was never intended to be malicious. It was to protect her KIDS. Remember that part of her blog about her being a mom and going through a divorce? This persona did two things: 1) It let us all play in AJ’s awesome playground. 2) It kept her kids in the only house they ever knew as they went through their parents divorce. It kept their bellies full and warm clothes on their backs. It helped her continue to be a damn good mom.

    AJ never broke any laws.

    She never preyed on anyone.

    She was gracious. And generous. And beyond thrilled to have the opportunity to continue to write. Do you think it was easy for her to admit all of this? She could have pulled the plug and walked away, never to be heard from again. No more sequels. No more wit and humor. She could have slammed the door in our faces. She didn’t. She apologized.

    Stop licking your wounds for a minute and consider this: like it or not you helped a family survive and even thrive through a difficult time. Don’t create more dark clouds. Pat yourself on the back for doing a good deed. Shake off the shock. Wait for the next book. We all know it will kick ass.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Seriously?? AJ did nothing wrong! You protect your life in any way you can.. and she did. What’s to hurt over?? Cuz I’m lost here.. AJ was nice to me.. talked to me, when I thought she was a man and now I know she’s a woman.. still talks.. still her… still writes Ben and Gavin (squeeee) Man I love them!!! Lol. She bared her heart and soul to us.. her and Theo both did.. to us.. strangers really.. just online personalities.. they didn’t have to do that. Frankly it’s none of our business. But they trusted us, they cared enough to set the record straight. Get over yourselves already!! This was SOOO LAST WEEK people! They’ve confessed and apoligized (though they didn’t need too) they certainly don’t need to “kiss ass”. I say let the shit slinging begin.. AJ.. you have plenty of us to stand in front of you! You and Theo are happy.. I’m thrilled for all of you! Time to put all this in the past!!!
    Now, on to what’s really important, how r Ben, Gavin, Cole and Myah? 😉💖

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’ve been a fan since Power Exchange came out. I’ve read many of your blog posts and some of Theo’s. I’ve never commented because I felt intrusive. And when you ‘outed’ yourselves, I felt compelled to throw in my support. I felt that at the core, you haven’t changed. You are both wickedly funny, both very loyal to friends, and both are so very creative..

    As far as Thorny and Matty go.. Many of us consider ourselves to be surrogate mothers to them. Please don’t hurt them. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. No, just no. You don’t deserve to be yelled at and you most certainly don’t deserve to be punished. Whatever for? Protecting your family? Puh-lease. And I’m not moving. You made it clear from the very beginning that AJ Rose was a pen-name, nothing out of the ordinary, and the reason why you chose to write under a pen-name was clear all along as well, so what’s the big deal here? It makes me sad and furious that you feel you *deserve* some kind of backlash for opening up and sharing something so personal as your story – that’s the only shame here.

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  11. Hi AJ. Thank you for leaving your comment section open. I am truly baffled by what’s going on! I’ve never come here before so I don’t really know all the details (don’t really care). I’m assuming that you were supposed to be male but you’re not. Uh, did you propose marriage to a homophobic female on line then took her for everything she had? If not , what the hell is wrong with these people! To tell the truth, when I saw your name I immediately thought female 🙂 It doesn’t matter. I hurt so much about Thorny that I sat down and cried, I’m talking ugly cry, for at least five minutes. He doesn’t deserve this crap! Neither do you by the way. You did no harm to others. I don’t do social media because I think it would kill me! My thoughts don’t translate well into writing that’s why I’m not an author (yeah, that’s the reason) but I figure if a person can touch so many people with their words, like Thorny, Matt and Brad, who gives a damn whether they are “real” or not. Real people wrote the words and not robots or shifters or “trolls”. Thanks for letting me vent. You have major cajones whatever your gender!

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  12. Seriously? This is an issue?

    I’ve been sitting here trying to wrap my head around this whole thing and I just don’t get it. Many mainstream authors write under a pen name, If I had the talent to write, I would do it that way too.

    I think the issue here is a lack of empathy. AJ created an alter ego to protect her family & job. If I were in her shoes, I would have done it too. What would you have done? Having the threat of losing your job, your home and your kids looming on the horizon?

    What does not change is the fact that this author brings characters like Ben & Gavin to life. That the story that gets told has been spliced with humor, compassion and love. It is evident that this is what she was meant to to, so who am I to judge that? or her? or her personal decisions?

    In a nutshell, I guess my message is this. Does it really matter? NO, not really. If it still matters to those slinging shit, walk away now and no one will get hurt. Get over yourselves, people and move on. The show is over, nothing to see here, the horse is dead.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. OMG – I am SO sorry some peeps don’t recognise your RIGHT to be who you are!! There are more people around who appreciate AND respect your writings (including ME) irrespective of which f**king gender you are. I am speechless 😦

    And to bring Thorny, and Matt & Brad into the argument, is NO argument at all. I follow them religiously b/c they are HUMAN and trying to cope with all life throws at them – and I love them to bits 🙂

    Take a step back; notice the NUMBER of your readers who don’t give a s**t; notice all these peeps who have commentated on how they (honestly) wish to SUPPORT you in every way; and (for goodness sake) hold your head high and be proud of yourself for being strong enough to acknowledge YOURSELF! Nothing else matters!

    Huge {{hugs}} and oodles of ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Stupid people are stupid.

    So you felt it necessary at the time to keep certain information private. Big deal. Yes, I won’t deny that it’ll take me a little to change my pronoun use, because after this long I’m used to saying ‘he’, but does it affect me? Nope. Does it change my mind about the kind of person you are? No. Will it prevent me from talking to you in the future? Hell no.

    Stupid people are stupid. Don’t let them drag you down with them. They’re not worth it.

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  15. Choosing to set the record straight was extremely brave of AJ and I am glad for the support she has received. But people’s feelings for online friends are real and trust is a precious thing. So, this kind break in trust can lead people to wonder who else could be misleading them online, whether it be for a good, bad or no reason. I don’t feel that is a fault in them for having doubts; rather a very human reaction to protecting one’s heart. IMO this situation calls for compassion and understanding from all directions. We are all imperfect humans just doing the best we can.

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  16. Oh hell no, you don’t deserve any anger. People need to grow up and stop slinging shit. So what, you’re a woman. If someone has an issue with that they can get over it. But don’t fuck with Matt and Brad.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I’m going to go out on a limb here because as AJ has said in her past blogs that she understands that this whole coming out is hard on both sides. When I first started reading AJ and Fen’s blogs I had literally never read a single blog in my life (little behind the times, that’s me). I had no clue how it all worked but I was beyond thrilled to have actual contact with not one but two authors I enjoyed and not only was I new to blogland but to mm romance…….I loved it, loved reading both their blogs, all the interaction between the two of them and ME! Whoa, heady stuff. I was emotionally invested in this whole blog world and as naive as this makes me sound I believed that their fiction was in their books and their reality was their blogs, and yes, I get there were disclaimers explaining that not everything was “real” but they are both such good writers and the wealth of detail and the sheer depth to their blogs made it all real to me. When I responded to one of their blogs I was responding with my real feelings, real joy, real sorrow…..you get the picture. Then I read a blog back, I believe in 2011, where they both posted “coming out” blogs about some of the details that I thought were real. I was not just stunned but incredibly hurt and felt very foolish. I was also very angry that I had been stupid enough to fall for all this, but then it also,seemed it didn’t bother anyone else per comments I had read so I thought ok well maybe your feelings are not valid…..I questioned myself and did I have a right to feel the way I did? I believe I did have the right to be hurt and angry. I went back and forth about what I should say to either or both of them about this whole issue and finally decided not to comment because maybe this is the way people blog and I just needed to understand that, like in real life people protect themselves in a variety of ways. So, basically I quit reading either blog and just continued to interact by email with Fen with regards to his photos and AJ with her writing. Then I noticed slowly when I would peek in on either blog (couldn’t resist eventually) that the whole flavor of the blogs were changing, there was less personal, less interaction between their blogs or in AJ’s case less blogging. I’m thinking the timing was coming around for this last coming out. I guess the whole point I’m trying to make was the first time I felt I had lost two friends, that I had gotten emotionally involved with people that didn’t exist and even though it was not meant to make anyone feel anything but entertained I felt pretty stupid. But eventually I moved past that and into a entirely different way of thinking about AJ and Fen and now with this last step they’ve taken I feel I’ve just made two new friends and they want to be as open and honest as possible while still protecting themselves from the people that might harm them. It took me awhile to get over being hurt that first time, it’s actually a grieving process that some are going to have to go through and hopefully when they are done they can have a new relationship that is more open and honest, but each person is different in how long it takes to get there. I don’t do social media, again I only read Fen and AJ’s blogs which have been very positive and supportive, even the few who have expressed hurt feelings and are questioning what to believe, so I’m not up on what’s happened with Thorny and others so my comment is based just on what I’ve seen on this blog.
    As I’ve said to both of them, it’s nice to meet you, again. I admire both of them for their bravery and honesty (the timing was just right for it all to happen) and as AJ has said she was new to blogging and didn’t realize just how her life would play out and that some of what she started would turn around and bite her in the ass. When she did realize that she no longer wanted to interact with her readers that way any more she took a huge risk and opened up. I’ll miss the people I thought they were but I admire they people they have become.
    (Personally I’ve always thought they should collaborate on a book based on their blogs and how reality vs blogland can play out.) 🙂
    Whew! Sorry for the length, just hoping it made sense.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow! You pretty much summed up entirely my experience with AJ and Theo perfectly – including the book part! After just about being killed TWICE today on the motorcycle, I can attest to just how unimportant ANY of this should be to any of us other than Theo and AJ. Nice post, though! I agree that I’m thrilled that they WANT to be themselves with us now. The past is the past. Let it goooooo. Let it gooooo! ;o)

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    • Everything being equal, valjo44, you were very eloquent in what you said about how you felt. I am sure there has always been more than a measure of honesty and vulnerability in both Theo’s and AJ’s blogs and posts but we all have personas that we hide behind, the internet just makes it easier to do. The bravery to take that step and say ok so far you people have been accepting of me and my flaws (real and percieved) now I need to take off another layer and allow you further access to the real me, is just monumental, and I wish that more people could see it for what it is. The trust that has been given to us and the trust that continues to be given to us every friend request and acceptance we make just makes the world that much better for everyone. It tells us that there are people that we can truly be with sans layers, there are people that we can trust to see who we are and they will hold that close and protectively and still like us and accept us. All of our feelings are acceptable from the hurt to the protectiveness, it is all just an indication of who we are really and if you look, really look people dont lie, they cant, becuase the amount of time you spend with them even online gives you insight and them an outlet.

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  18. On such a personal level I can relate to what people are saying and feeling but because of my own experiences I also know that you have to take a minute and step back look at the information that you now have. Did you loose a friend or did that friendship just become stronger because the person you are friends with put a little more trust in you and shared a far more personal intimate secret with you. In the real world when we meet people we don’t spill our guts to them right away and tell them all our deepest darkest secrets. At least I know I never have, I take time to learn about them to share little things with them, establish a level of trust and yes at some point if all goes well I share things with them that are deeply personal and maybe even things that could hurt me if the wrong people find out but by then we’ve known each other for a long time a relationship has been established and built on. So just because I didn’t tell all my dirty little secrets right away does this mean I lied to them? That they can’t trust me? No, it means I protected myself and allowed them to do the same.

    So if you’re perfect and have never done wrong or lied or hurt anyone please feel free to bring you bucket of mud and throw it at us mere mortals who make mistakes, but know that when you do that you fall from grace. I’m not by any means an exceptionally religious person but I do believe there is an appropriate quote to the effect of ‘let he who is without sin cast the first stone’. I think I’ll just be leaving my stones in the garden and if it’s all the same to everyone else I’ll also park my hamster wheel beside theirs to help deflect the mud that is needlessly being slung their way.

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  19. You’re fans will stand behind you no matter what. You have to take your own advice and stop punishing yourself. You’re giving the haters too much power. Stop apologizing, it only fuels their fire. You’re sorry and everyone knows it. Not that I think you have anything to apologize for. It’s time to move on. Don’t let the haters get you down. At the end of the day, it’s just jealousy. You give a part of your soul when you write, don’t feel the need to give anything more. As an author that’s all we can hope for and it is a gift.

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  20. This is old news to most folks, I’m just catching up on stuff I’ve been too busy to get to. Was seeing if Consent was out yet and stepped into the brouhaha over the discovery that Fen and AJ were not truly young talented gay men trying to make the best of their romance through the ups and downs of life. So my first response was, hell ain’t none of my business. And then my second response was damn but those people are some good writers. Because to tell the truth as much as I admire and love the stories that come from both Fen and AJ, nothing comes close to the love story of Fen and AJ. My proof? Look at how many people became completely involved , mesmerised, and came to care deeply about the welfare of them two boys. Hell even me. I was rooting for you to stay together, proud you were able to remain friends, would check up on how y’all were doing at 2 am when I could’nt sleep. Now dang, but that was some mighty fine fiction.
    And that discovery is what has even this old fool a bit saddened as I get ready to settle down for the night with Consent.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Van, my hope is that I can channel those creative juices into books for readers without feeling like I’m deceiving the whole world. It was eating me up, the knowledge that what I did to protect myself and my kids in real life could hurt people online who believed us. I truly do appreciate those who’ve cared and cheered us on, but they’re the ones who have come to matter to me more than the bosses I was hiding from. I needed to come clean to the ones who have become my family and friends.

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